


fodder to the flame

by TuesdayTerrible



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Possible tokyo ghoul re spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 10:04:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14133798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuesdayTerrible/pseuds/TuesdayTerrible
Summary: Kaneki knows what Hide is not saying because he sees it in his eyes. Hide knows the guilt that's there. He refuses to add fodder to the flame.Kaneki loves him.He might also hate him a little too.





	fodder to the flame

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo i wrote this on my phone and probably should make this better, and edit it but, here we are.
> 
> Fair warning; my phone won't let me tag properly so spoilers for re kind of? But i doubt youd know it if you haven't read it and you can pretend my mind is the sole source of this cruelty.
> 
> (Its not. #Hidedeservesbetter2018 )

Kaneki Ken is familiar with guilt. It lives in his skin, running rampant through each molecule, embedded so deeply, he feels it in his fucking teeth.

"KAneki...it's fiNe." He says for the thousandth time.

/What's 1,000 - 7 /

Except it isn't.

Because its _him_ , and yet that isn't Hide's voice. The tears that blur his vision aren't to scrape away the guilt. It isn't a means to dull the throbbing inside his heart or the pressure that extends the weakest part of his skull. There is nothing sharp enough to separate the state from the man. The tears are _for_ him. Because if Hideyoshi is still a master of reading Kaneki Ken. It's only natural that he still have some ability to read Hide as well. And Kaneki knows without a doubt, Hide will not shed tears over his own loss.

So Kaneki can at least do that in his place.

.

He wishes he could count the times on his hands he's wronged Hide. He wishes he could say that he never had until he was forced into the life of ghoul. Kaneki wishes it was only that simple.

Nothing is ever that simple.

.

The thing about guilt, is that it taints all the pleasant memories. It casts shadows across the slideshow threatening ever so gently to take away the sunlight.

He remembers Anteiku before he was anyone other than Kaneki-ken. Quiet, shy, book lover. _Human_.

He remembers the color of his coffee a pleasant caramel color, and the crinkle of Hide' s nose, body shaking softly in laughter as his hand slaps the table.

Now he cant remember the pleasantries of that cup and he takes his coffee black, laced with death. Now his best friends laughter is _ha ha ha ha_ instead of a melodious sound. Now the memory and _every_ memory is put on mute.

.

"He should hate me."

Kaneki should be able to handle it. He is no stranger to guilt and the dance of suffering it inflicts, lighting up his brain and incinerating his heart.

Touka sighs.

He remembers when he was so weak that she had to shove substance down his throat. She remembers her general disdain towards Hideyoshi. He also remembers this is not now.

She is still fearsome, though he is not afraid. Before he was at her mercy, and now? Now he's sure he could kill her if he wanted. He wouldn't, but the fact he could soothes something lost and carnal in his mind.

"But he doesnt." Touka says finally, voice soft but firm.

Sometimes, Kaneki can feel something crawling in his brain, something that shouldn't be there, a ghost of a movement and phantom limbs that keep coming back before the sense of wrongness can rest in his head.

Sometimes all there is, is 1000-7 and the taste of Hide's blood coating his tongue. He may have rid himself of his hunger, but he also rid Hide of his smile.

993 , 9-986, 979....

That shouldn't go unpunished

.

He had seen Hide around, before Hide spoke to him as a child.

The flash of blonde hair, he'd catch out of the corner of his eyes as he was reading on the hillside. Hovering. 

There.

But always  _just_ out of view.

He instantly assumed the worse. No one bothered Kaneki, they left him to his books and his world, and he was happy with that. In fact he preferred it.

So when Hide _did_ approach him with the offer to be his friend, smiling like sunshine with hand extended and words super fast. Kaneki is stunned and the guilt is planted, a tiny seed growing roots of ugliness and the promise of something beautiful.

Kaneki wonders if Hide knew then, what Kaneki knows now.

That meeting kaneki would ruin him

He wonders if that's why he hovered.

.

Hide eats through a straw. He could probably chew on his left side if he really wanted to, but that would mean revealing his face.

"You don't have to hide it from me." Kaneki says. "I can face what I've done."

Hide gasps in a voice that is not his. It's a static-y kind of sound. "KAneki are you SAying yoU want TO sEe my beaUtifUL face agaIN so sOon?!"

Kaneki stares at the table, and the brown liquid, and the straw that disappears beneath his bandanna. Hide knows, sighs with static.

"ITTTs noT just bout you KAneki. NoT everyone is comForTable with TheSe thiNGS. "

Kaneki knows what Hide is not saying because he sees it in his eyes. Hide knows the guilt that's there. He refuses to add fodder to the flame.

Kaneki loves him.

He might also hate him a little too.

.

He has a mask made for him, which he's not sure if it's sentimental or stupid. _Both_ , something tells him softly. _You know Its both._

He hands it to him, and cant meet his eyes.

The gift brings shame, it is a poor excuse of an apology.

Except it's not an apology at all. Its guilt and promise like a seed spreading roots through his brain, and hope blossoming out through his fingertips. It's Kaneki. Just Kaneki with wide eyes, and dark hair accepting his handshake all those years ago.

The mask is similar to his own in the fact that it fastens behind his head, and covers his lower face entirely. It is white and the material thinner, extending farther down to cover his throat, a hole cut in the middle for his artificial voice box to protrude. Otherwise they are the same. Light and dark. Broken and damned.

He expects Hide to rush enthusiastically electronic words, Hide, much like himself is a creature of habit. Though Kaneki rather him throw it in his face and more. 

/What's 1000-7?/

What he doesn't expect is for Hide to remove his bandanna and offer him a grotesque smile, filled with mutilated skin and missing teeth.

Kaneki finds himself smiling despite the guilt.

 

Hides smile, has always been, and will always be blinding.


End file.
